the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
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I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.