The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
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You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.