The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
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I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there