The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
You Might Also Like
Aw man, but that’s the best part
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
O Wise One….
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?