The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
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Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile![]()
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string