Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.