Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

Satan: “Waaazzz up?”

God: “Speak of the Devil.”

Satan: “Really?”

God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”

Satan: “Jesus Christ.”

Jesus: “What?”

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!