“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
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Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…