The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
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Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Inside you there are two wolves
all that yoga finally paid off
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
“I wouldn’t.”
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.