The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
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We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”