Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?

Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.

How do I rate our solar system?

One star

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

Strange

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.