The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
You Might Also Like
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
My ideal weight is five million dollars
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred