The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

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build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.


“You have a very large package downstairs.”

I really need to work on how I word things to the men around this office.


Too many men hate it when I put both of my hands on their shoulder and ask if everything is alright take this guy at the urinal for example


Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol


I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?


Hi, I’m here to see the doctor. -me

Witch doctor? -reception

Nooo…I think he’s Jewish. -me

[blank stare]

Please sit down.


How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1


I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.


ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman