the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
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I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.