the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
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When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.