Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

Inside you there are two wolves

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.