the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
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In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Bro what is this
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.