The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
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Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
peak technology
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.