The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
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Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
*seductively corrects your posture*
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”