The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
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Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
I have never heard an armadillo before.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”