Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

Your husband’s super cute, is he single?