The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
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I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut