The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
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‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
The two types of wives
*launders Kohls cash*
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
liiiiiiiiike
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*