The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
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Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Ain’t no way
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ