The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
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[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.