The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
You Might Also Like
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
bros in the example zone 😭
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
There is no “we” in pizza
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.