Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit