The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
