The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
🙄😏😂🤣
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
wow he looks just like him
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
