The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
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[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.