Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”

I am a gravy boat captain

#math

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.