Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.

soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up