The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
