The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
