@vladsavov

The most popular car brands are German, Japanese, and Italian. It’s like losing WW2 is a prerequisite for making good autos.

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@Darlainky

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

@KWalps

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

@patnspankme

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

@TigNotaro

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

@BrennanMichaelP

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

@SaraMansford

Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.

@StephenBCramer

My dirty language got me suspended in school but many years later I get rewarded with stars and retweets, never give up on your dreams kids.

@HansGrubertron

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating