The most popular car brands are German, Japanese, and Italian. It’s like losing WW2 is a prerequisite for making good autos.

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Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?


[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no


This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer


The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.


I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.


Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.


My dirty language got me suspended in school but many years later I get rewarded with stars and retweets, never give up on your dreams kids.


[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating