[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
You Might Also Like
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.