Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

accurate

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”

That sucks. What’s he like?

“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”

But what’s his personality-

“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”

How’s his personali-

“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.

You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!