the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
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Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.