Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

“Awkward silences are the worst”

*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

if my sleeping schedule was a person

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

😭😭😭

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night