The most precious boy
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I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.