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Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
“The Perfect Relationship”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Home is where your toilet is.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Whoops
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.