Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒

Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

Therapist: Would you date yourself?

Me: No, I deserve better…

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”

the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*