The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
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Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
12653.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
OH. COME. ON.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it