Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

*pokes sex life with a stick

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

#winning

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

this is what they would have looked like, though

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine