Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

Day 2 of my diet

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

Single and childfree like Jesus

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke