Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.

i dont have time for this

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

Calling in stupid to work tomorrow