The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
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Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
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The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
Me too 😆
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”