Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic