The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
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Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good