The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
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Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
There’s never enough good news
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet