The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
You Might Also Like
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Bobby pin