The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
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god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
hmm conte-me mais
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
all that yoga finally paid off
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”