The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
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A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.
2025 me is pissed off about it.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him