The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
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Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.