The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
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I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Introverted vegans go meetless
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”