The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
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waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”