The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
You Might Also Like
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….