The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
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No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
No. He’s not coming out to play
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*