The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
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johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.