The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
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Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Huge if true.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
*eating catfish*
This looks nothing like it did on the menu
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.