The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
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#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
🤣😂
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?