the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
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*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up