The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
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im 7 sauces long
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life