The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
mood
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.