The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
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The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
BRO LMFAO
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Not helping
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.