Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

As a lawyer who works in a big city I am EXTREMELY concerned that my significant other is going back to their small hometown for the holidays. There are a ton of locally owned bakeries in it too…

I fear that I will get Hallmarked by someone who wants to show her the true meaning of Christmas

Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

*has no idea what a book even is*

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor