Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

why no one uses midhusbands

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

True?

Dammit Chief not again

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

[when I watch tv & eat chips]

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

Saturday

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.

ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.