Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.

Life hack

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.