The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne

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My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”


When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.


I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries


First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.


[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything


A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.


Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”


I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.


On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.