The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
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Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
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[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old