The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
You are what you delete.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
