Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

There’s always that one guy

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”