Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.