Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.