The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
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I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.